When Books Can Be Damaging: A Review of Beautiful Girlhood

Beautiful Girlhood, revised and adapted by Karen Andreola in 1993, was popular in my days of growing up in the mid 1990s through mid 2000s. I’m not sure when I first read this book…I would guess I would have been around 14 years old. Over the next 6-8 years, I read it every year without fail, sometimes more. I underlined it, referenced it, and read it some more. I held it as my ideal of what a girl should be. It was the culture of my family, my belief system, and I thought it was pretty much perfect. 

The last time I read it, I was probably 20-21 years old, which was before I got married. It’s been on my bookshelf since, and the other day I was wondering if I would want my daughter to read it as she got older. I know enough about the unhealth in my background to just hand it to her without rereading it, so even though it would be a few years before it would be age appropriate, I decided to read it now with fresh eyes. I was completely horrified. I was only 10 pages in before I decided that I would never ever give this book to my daughter, and I almost stopped there. But I suspected that this book would be an interesting read for me to fully undertake - a way to walk back in time and see exactly what my mindset was during my growing up years. I was not surprised, but I was extremely saddened. Perhaps the saddest parts of the book were my notes in the margins, or the parts I had underlined. I definitely shed some tears for my 16-17 year old self. I was trying so so so hard to reach this ideal. To be the perfect daughter. The perfect girl turning into a woman. And I kept finding all the things that I was doing "wrong" and just thought I had to try harder. The reality was that our family was in such an awful, abusive, controlling situation .... there was nothing I *could* do. But I still tried. I wanted to fix it so badly and reach this ideal. 

I cannot state more clearly that this book is a perfect book to give your daughter IF you want her to be set up for abusive, shaming relationships - as a daughter, girlfriend, or wife. Since I’m pretty sure none of us desire our daughters to be in such situations, I would not ever recommend this book.

As I reread the book, I wrote down quote after quote of why this book is so problematic, along with my reasons as to why it is such. The legalistic, shaming, controlling information in this book caused much harm in my life, my friends’ lives, and our entire generation. It’s appalling to me that there are people still giving this book to their daughters today. I am all for giving high quality books of faith and Christianity to our children…but this is not a book that speaks love, freedom, and grace into anyone’s lives.

While this book is presented as fact and gospel truth, it’s actually mostly opinion & conjecture. While I usually reserve 1 star ratings for books I could not finish & only skimmed to the end, I did finish this one, and I cannot justify giving it a higher rating (though I probably could justify giving it a lower one if such a thing existed).

If you continue reading this review you will be reading direct quotes from the book. Below each quote are my thoughts as to why each of these quotes are problematic. The quotes I have italicized to make it more clear which parts are direct quotes from the book and which parts are my written thoughts. Please note, these quotes are not the only problematic parts of the book. I would say a good 85-90% of the book is filled with very similar instruction and guidance. But since I cannot type out the entire book to issue a rebuttal, here are the parts that made most sense for me to deal with:

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“When I was about fourteen, Mother was making me a new dress, and I wanted the sleeves made very full at the hand and open from the elbow down. They were very ugly and very unhandy, and always falling into everything, and it was winter and very cold: but I wanted the sleeves made that way no matter what was said to me. Mother set her lips together and said, ‘Well, you shall have them.’ Her look called me to my senses, and I began to back down, but she said, ‘No, you shall have them just as you want them,’ and I had to drag and dribble those sleeves around till the dress was worn out. I found out that it was just a notion, which lasted but a short while, that I wanted such sleeves, and that my real self despised them. Mother knew that all the time. I am not blaming you for being changeable, but I want you to see that you are changing, and not to expect everyone to change with you.” (P. 23)

^What? So the girl starts to change her mind and think through it, but no, the mother doesn’t have a conversation with her and instead manipulatively decides to make the daughter think it’s her own fault for wearing the hideous sleeves all winter because she had a thought that wasn’t then guided into discussion in a mature manner? That’s not healthy. It should be gently discussed together, and if a child changes their opinion (which this girl was beginning to do!) not forced to reap the consequences of a fleeting thought when a sensible solution was about to be proposed & brought to light.

“You think of your mother as being unkind and possibly unjust. She thinks of you as being stubborn and ungrateful.” (P. 25)

^Why are we pitting family members against each other? This can be resolved with healthy communication. I DO know that some of these thoughts do happen in families…but encouraging it and stating it as fact and normal does not help it get better.

“Keep acquainted with your father also. […] He is busy and may not take the initiative in a hearty relationship; but he will appreciate the kind approaches of his young daughter if she comes to him smiling and seeking to know him better.” (P. 25)

^Um…what?! So the burden of relationship is on the daughter?! And she has to act like all is well and make her father happy by being the adult in this relationship? Speaking from experience of LIVING this exact scenario, I can say that it is not healthy in any way, shape, or form. No matter how busy a father is, he should always have time for his children. Now yes, there might be certain days where a daughter might need to take a little initiative…but if as a whole we are saying a father is too busy for his daughter, and the daughter needs to be the one continually reaching out then this is a big problem. And not one that the daughter needs to fix; it is solely on the father’s shoulders.

“But the one [girl] who is endeavoring to build good character takes heed to the commands given her, whether good or bad, and receives the admonitions and reproofs that come her way and governs herself by them, because it is right to do so.” (P. 38)

^ Training children to obey bad commands leads to them one day not knowing when to put up boundaries and say no in the face of evil, wrong, and abuse. It literally teaches them that they cannot have a say in unsafe and/or abusive, controlling situations. 

“A happy heart, a smiling face, loving words and deeds, and a desire to be of service, will make any girl beautiful.” (P. 42)

^While this statement on its own isn’t completely wrong, when the book is filled with such statements, it definitely leaves the impression that if you want good character and to be a beautiful woman, you must smile & serve, with no complaints or thought put into what you specifically might like or not like. Many other statements throughout the book also suggest that a woman must always look put together and neat to show she cares, but not put too much effort into her appearance because that is vanity. 

“…let us choose together the ideal woman. […] A truly ideal woman must not be one who is silly or frivolous, nor shall she be guilty of actions that appear vulgar or undermining. She must be sweet-voiced and gentle. How a loud, boisterous woman jars on one’s feelings! […] Her clothing must be modest and becoming — how could an ideal woman wear anything that would cause those looking on to be overly adorned with ornaments, but rather she must be known for the beauty of her character. […] She must be a good housewife and a good mother.” (P. 75)

^Not sure I can even unpack all of this. Who defines what is silly, frivolous, and boisterous? The person trying to control the girl? There is nothing wrong with having fun, but in Christian communities this is often defined in those condemning terms. So a woman must not be outspoken? Why? Because it’s a threat to those in the authority chain above her? She must be pretty and well meaning, but cannot enjoy fun niceties in her appearance? And heaven help that a girl could stoop to less than marriage and motherhood…..?

“It is not enough to have good ideals alone. There must be a careful and persistent effort to live up to them. To reach these ideals often costs the sacrifice of other things that seem pleasant. Like the merchant of old who found a pearl of greatest price and sold all that he has to purchase it, so a girl to keep her ideals pure must be willing to give up all else for them. And a girl will sacrifice much for her ideal, be it good or bad.” (P. 76)

^ This concept that we have to give up what matters most to reach an ideal is so damaging. Sometimes we do have to make hard choices to get to a better place. But oftentimes those in abusive or controlling authority roles convince a girl she needs to let go of something in the name of Christian suffering to be who God wants her to be…and it is simply a control mechanism to conform a girl to an ideal held by those in authority. 

“More down-to-earth are a girl’s dreams of a husband, a home, and children. One can imagine how she will be a true wife, a good mother, and helpful neighbor. […] Such dreams […] are true character builders. […] Yet again, a girl may allow her dreams to dwell upon things that are not pure, and she may taste of forbidden pleasures through her imaginations. This imagination is fueled through the reading of romance novels and in some motion pictures. It is possible for her to become vile in her heart and mind by unclean thoughts, and yet live apparently a pure life. By such dreaming, a girl drops all her guards and when the temptation comes strong, may fall into acts of sin.” (P. 93)

^Where to start? So have we decided that the most holy of all dreams for a girl to have is to be a wife and mother? It is NOT a bad dream, but it is also NOT more holy. Furthermore, we’ve managed to demonize romance novels (there are absolutely some inappropriate ones out there, but this just lumped them all together), along with motion pictures AND imagination. Imagination is a beautiful thing, and some stories with romance in them are powerful stories that fuel much learning and growth….and even if they aren’t wholly appropriate, why exactly are we scared of them? Wouldn’t it be better to trust that we can discuss them together and learn from the mistakes or values displayed within the stories?

“The only dreams that are worthwhile are those than can be, and are, worked out in practical everyday life. […] Dream, but let dreams be of usefulness and service, of purity and truth.” (P. 95)

^ There are many dreams that should be encouraged even if they cannot come true at this moment. There are so many dreams that are fully ok, but they simply aren’t for this exact moment. Some dreams also might not be practical at any phase of life, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad. To claim they aren’t worthwhile, or even dangerous, is blatantly false.

“The safest girl is the one who makes her mother her most confidential friend. Mother knows and loves her best. It is Mother to whom she may share her most personal dreams, insecurities, or concerns.” (P. 99)

^For some girls this may be true. I have an amazing mother, but in this girlhood stage of life, there were things that weren’t safe to share even with her. This puts a burden on a girl to think that she must tell everything to her mother and expect it to be a good thing….and that simply isn’t safe for everyone. (And honestly, based on other things in this book, the mothers who would strongly encourage a book like this are honestly LESS likely to be safe.)

“When girls have friends among boys, even more care should be used in their selection and treatment than with girls. There is only a small margin between the love of friendship and romance, and what the girl may have begun only as a friendship may develop into something more serious. Also, if a girl will make herself too familiar with her friendships with the opposite sex, she is liable to give them a wrong conception of her. She may appear to them to be only a ‘good fellow’ and they may interpret that to mean that she has let down some of her womanly guards and does not expect to be treated with the deference and respect usually given to good women. Any girl is in a dangerous position when she gets this reputation.” (P. 100)

^ The demonization of friendships between the sexes really needs to stop. Also, note that in this scenario, the onus of guilt is on the girl for developing a relationship with the guys. Her only “guilt” is friendliness, but now if they treat her inappropriately, she brought it on herself. Nowhere is it mentioned that the guys did not treat her with respect and that is solely on their shoulders.

This quote from the book is stated by a man who has turned a cold shoulder to a girl he had been interested. “I overheard the conversations of some of the men, and learned that you were known among them as one who joined in their jokes and frivolity and some of them even made slighting remarks to me about my friendship with you. Forgive me, but you have forced me to speak plainly. I want my wife to have a record of womanliness and purity. […] Your conduct does not always give the appearance of innocence. The girl men will joke with is not the girl they will marry.” (P. 101)

^ In this character study, the only crime the girl had committed was being friendly and joking with guys at work. She was not even dating, let alone sleeping around. It is implied she was supposed to be a demure lady at her desk ignoring all around her - but no, she had fun and made some jokes. And as such, she is made out to be a woman without character or virtue. 

“One who has kindness of heart is able to look upon the failings of others with consideration and patience, for she remembers that she herself is not without fault.” (P. 108)

^There is an element of truth to this statement. But often this argument is made within narcissistic, abusive, and controlling situations to gaslight the victim into not realizing the full severity and inappropriateness of the abuse. All people have faults. 100%. And there is a place to remember that. But so much of this book literally teaches behaviors and thought processes that lead to horribly controlling and abusive scenarios.

"Home is a kind of kingdom with rulers, laws, and subjects, each with a part to perform in order that life there shall be perfect, or at least the best it can be. The form of government of the home is the oldest known to earth, the patriarchal. Here the father is the head, the lawgiver, and the judge. He divides almost equally his authority with the mother, and they together govern the small kingdom. This is the only form of government that is suitable for the family, for the children are too young and too inexperienced to make laws for themselves. Not only have the parents the full authority over the family, but upon them rests the responsibility of the family's support, and of their conduct. If they do not properly care for or manage their children, they will suffer reproach and shame. To be able to fit into the home-life and submit to the home government is one of the most noble traits of young girlhood. This is not always accomplished without a struggle on the girl's part; for when the years of fickle, changing youth are upon a girl, she finds that something in her nature rebels against the restraint of home. [...] She feels as if she is being pressed into a mold that does not fit, while her whole heart cries out for freedom [...]." (P. 114)

^Even though I have literally lived this and experienced this quote, it knocked the wind out of me to see it written so plainly and phrased as such a good thing. The dad is the head, lawgiver, and judge? Only God meets this definition (and to take a it a step further, He is so much more than that - this says nothing about grace, kindness, and love!). In this book, a girl is to turn her back on the feelings of being pressed into a mold that she cannot or does not want to fit, but she is never told that this isn’t a healthy thing. If you live in such controlling situations, there is a reason why a girl wants freedom - and she is fully right to do so.

“She should always respect her father’s right to direct her life, to say what she shall and shall not do, to forbid her to go anywhere that is not proper. His word to her should be final. His approval should be considered a blessing.” (P. 117)

^It is a father’s RIGHT to direct her life? Note here that under no circumstances is the girl even to have a say. The word is final. Yes, parents should gently give advice. But to say that a father’s word is final and it is his right to do what he pleases with her life is horrific. Again, literally cultivating a culture for abuse and control.

“Mother must look after so many details of her daughter’s life that her overseeing may seem bothersome to the girl. There is a certain time in a girl’s life when her mother has to be responsible for the way her daughter arranges her hair, wears her dresses, and for her whereabouts and who she is with, practically every hour of the day. Not only in childhood does the girl need this oversight, but while she is in her teens also. […] This is hard for the mother and discouraging for the daughter. […] Now is the time for the daughter to submit, to wait, to look well to her ways. Only when her parents see that she can bear responsibility will they willingly give it to her.” (P. 118)

^Again, guidance is good. That’s a key part of being a parent. But this very much implies that a mother should be controlling what her daughter is wearing and doing at all hours of her life in her teens. This is controlling and another sign of a culture of abuse.

Quote 1: “When we dress contrary to the rule of modesty we give excuse for unwholesome thoughts in the minds of those who look upon us, and every girl who oversteps these bounds makes herself liable to misunderstanding and insult, though she may be innocent of any such intention. […] to a great extent we are responsible for our brothers’ thoughts.” (P. 123) And quote 2: “She should remember that she meets all kinds of people in public places, and among them may be some men who would desire to take evil advantage upon any carelessness in this respect. It is for her protection and good name that we insist upon a public attire that is modest and unassuming. The more simple the outfit the better. (P. 129)

^In both of these quotes directly above, the onus of guilt is placed on girls’ dress and/or where she has allowed herself to be without proper chaperoning, while giving men and boys an excuse to think thoughts or act in ways that are not appropriate.

“If girls allow themselves to fancy they are in love when they are yet very young, they will form extreme attachments, imagining they are desperately in love, only to have this passion pass away to give place to a new fancy. Thus in a few years the store of love that should have a husband and home is frittered away on this one and that, and they are left almost without ability to love.” (P. 160)

^Hellooooo purity culture. Attractions and interests and believing oneself to be in love at a young age is actually natural. Yes, there are lines that should not be crossed and parents should be there for gentle advice, guidance, and protection. But if such lines ARE crossed, that does not mean that you lose the ability to love. Saving yourself for only one boyfriend turned husband in absolute sexual purity does not necessarily set you up for success in marriage. (Especially when such teachings above are used as shaming devices.)

“The experience of heart-purity is not for anyone who cherishes any thought or feeling that is impure. If envy, or jealousy, or pride, or arrogance, or any kindred evil is allowed a place, the Spirit of God will not come to cleanse and fill His temple.” (P. 196)

^uhm, while these are things that happen due to the fall of humanity and are not of God, everyone (Christian or not) does experience these four lines of thought. And you can still be a Christian indwelt by the Holy Spirit while struggling with the effects from the fall of humanity. 

“There is no other cure for self-consciousness like keeping busy and interested in others. Those terrible feelings come only to those who have time to entertain them.” (P. 198)

^Can I move to the planet where this was written? Because I can be busy and helping others and still have self-conscious doubts in my head.

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Quite honestly, my mind is simply spinning. Under no circumstances is this book a helpful book to bring girls through their teen years. It is shaming, controlling, and manipulative. The scenarios portrayed give girls responsibility for things that should be placed solely on the shoulders of others, while also teaching things which place a girl in situations that allow for control and abuse. Furthermore, this is not written in a spirit of freedom, love, and grace…it is simply a ploy to make a girl fearful and more easily manipulated.

Books are a powerful force. As parents, we would do well to provide books that are helpful, encouraging, and gently guiding to our children. Beautiful Girlhood, revised by Karen Andreola, is a perfect case study to portray the types of books we should NOT be giving to our children.